Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 47 [writing/editing game]

Welcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 47, courtesy of someone who wants to remain unnamed because this sentence—yes, it’s one sentence—comes from a real document except for the innocence-protecting do-hickeys and whatz-its. Go ahead, wring sense out of this one!

When the do-hickey input is connected through external whatz-its that, when opened, whatz-itize the neutral or when the automatic backfeed whatz-itization is provided external to the equipment or is connected to an IP power distribution system, a label must be fitted at the do-hickey input terminals, and on all primary power whatz-its installed remote from the do-hickey area and on external access points between such whatz-its and the do-hickey, by the user, displaying the following text (or equivalent in a language which is acceptable in the country in which the do-hickey system is installed): label text here.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, May 13.]

Tips:

• How and Why to Play—even though it’s impossible
• Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions
• “Write Tight(er)” Presentation

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again:

People who are in this role tend to be people who mentor people.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

Hmmm….This week’s sentence is a little different. Not the long-winded bafflegab we usually see here. I wonder how our players will tighten it?

Right out of the box comes a good one from Carmen.

Jim contributes an earworm. Ugh. No points for Gryffindor for that, I’m afraid.

Joan flips the subject from people to the role. So do Avi, Vinish, and (by pronoun) Karen. I like that.

Everyone reduces the people count from three to either one or none.

Great job, people!

My pick this week is Joan’s: by focusing on the role, not the people, she shortens the sentence substantially. And her verb, attracts, adds color.

This role attracts mentors.

How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

This week’s sentence crawls into our clinic suffering from redundancy, be-verbitis, wordiness, vagueness, and lack of a subject. (Dubious Achievement Award for packing all those ills into 13 words.) We can’t, without jumping to unwarranted conclusions, do much about the vagueness, but the rest of the problems respond nicely to the scalpel:

Mentors usually fill this role.

or

This task often falls to a mentor.

Some interns perform the indicated surgeries and then, with laudable enthusiasm but without circumspection, tackle the vagueness; and in so doing, they expose themselves—and our clinic!—to a slew of malpractice suits:

• One concludes, without evidence, that this role attracts mentors.
• One concludes, without evidence, that whoever created the role intended for mentors to fill it.
• Two conclude, without evidence, that the role itself involves mentorship.
• A few retain the redundundundant mentor others.

Julian comes closest:

Mentors typically play this role.

If you don’t mind waiting a week or two, Julian, we’ll send you some virtual Oregon strawberries as soon as they show up at the farmers’ market.

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

What a collection of thoughtful responses. Thanks, everyone, for playing!

When a sentence shoves its subject (people) at you three times, you know it’s time to tighten—or to burst into song, as Jim Durning suggests: People. People who mentor people are the luckiest people in this role.

Stella Robertson’s logic wins the day. She says, “We don’t know what group of people the writer means, but the reader knows, so ‘These people’ should be good” in place of “people in this role.” She also replaces “tend to” with “often.” Like other players, she squeezes the sentence down to just one people and ditches both of the weak be-verbs (are and to be), resulting in this five-word gem:

These people often mentor others.

Julian Cable also gets us down to five words (as shown in the spreadsheet earlier):

Mentors typically play this role.

By changing mentor to a noun and moving it to the beginning, Julian eliminates people altogether. People. People who don’t need people…

Sign Up!

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Again, Challenge Sentence 47

When the do-hickey input is connected through external whatz-its that, when opened, whatz-itize the neutral or when the automatic backfeed whatz-itization is provided external to the equipment or is connected to an IP power distribution system, a label must be fitted at the do-hickey input terminals, and on all primary power whatz-its installed remote from the do-hickey area and on external access points between such whatz-its and the do-hickey, by the user, displaying the following text (or equivalent in a language which is acceptable in the country in which the do-hickey system is installed): label text here.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, May 13.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

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