Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 54 [writing/editing game]

this-weeks-challenge-question-marcia-riefer-johnstonWelcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 54, courtesy of Sherri Henkin, who helps people develop their resumes. This sentence appeared in an early draft.

I thrive in environments where I interface with the public, learn new applications, develop artistic communications, and resourcefully bring projects to fruition.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, July 1.]

Tips:

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again:

Engineers have given the world many products of great accomplishment.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

We technical writers love our engineers. Engineers are great. As Mike Myers says, engineers rock!

This week’s challenge sentence is all about engineers. Not about the things they produce, although some of you tried turning the sentence in that direction.

This week’s sentence is also about what the engineers have done, so it’s not enough just to say that engineers rock. (Sorry, Mike.)

Sometimes when we’re tightening prose, we have to tear apart sentences to identify their true subjects and predicates. But sometimes we don’t. We must resist the temptation to overthink.

This week is one of those times. What we want is pretty much what the original sentence gave us. So we’ll start with Engineers. Then we’ll find a stronger verb than have given. Then we’ll boil down that ponderous object (many products of great accomplishment).

We’ll end up with something like Jessica E.’s entry:

Engineers have produced great things.

Or, even better, Danni’s:

Engineers create amazing products.

Danni, I’m amazed at how well you engineered that sentence.

Danni-write-tight

How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

By Friday, I want a 500-word essay: “Why I would like to be a ____________.”

Step 1: Get something—anything—down on paper. Something to get the ball rolling. Something to get those creative juices flowing. Something to get your mojo working.

Tough enough under the best of circumstances.

Engineers have given the world many products of great accomplishment.

Tougher still if your mother tongue isn’t English.

Q: Who can help?

A: Mike Myers steps back from the words and sees exactly what this week’s author meant to say: Engineers rock! [Picture of Mike adding a big pile of chips to his stack.]

Mike-tight-writing

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

Engineers.

That one word is what last week’s Challenge Sentence boils down to. Consider these three sentences:

  • Engineers have given the world many products of great accomplishment.
  • Violinists have given the world many concerts of great accomplishment.
  • Novelists have given the world many books of great accomplishment.
  • Cooks have given the world …

In all these examples, I would dump the entire substance-free predicate:

  • Engineers have given the world many products of great accomplishment  … [something that the word engineers doesn’t already tell us].
  • Violinists have given the world many concerts of great accomplishment … [something that the word violinists doesn’t already tell us].
  • Novelists have given the world many books of great accomplishment … [something that the word novelists doesn’t already tell us].
  • Cooks have given the world …

Matthew Clarke came closest to highlighting the predicate’s lack of value with this wry revision:

Engineers good.

I won’t show the usual spreadsheet here because (a) the spreadsheet above already shows the math for a two-word revision and (b) Matthew’s revision basically says, Hey, that sentence needs to go back to the drawing board. Yes!

drawing-board-tight-sentence

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Again, Challenge Sentence 54

I thrive in environments where I interface with the public, learn new applications, develop artistic communications, and resourcefully bring projects to fruition.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, July 1.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

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17 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 54 [writing/editing game]

  1. I thrive when I work with the public, learn new applications, develop communications, and complete projects.

  2. I thrive when learning new applications, developing communications, completing projects, and working with customers.

  3. I love to learn, experiment, and meaningfully contribute, while working with the public.

  4. I thrive When I deal with the public, learn new applications, develop artistic communications, and resourcefully bring projects to fruition.
    OR

    When I ideal with the public, learn new applications, communicate artistically, and use resources to succeed with projects; I thrive.

  5. I thrive on working with others, learning new things, using my creativity, and completing projects.

  6. I am a strong, creative communicator who enjoys working with others, learning new things, and overseeing projects.

  7. I thrive in public-facing artistic communications and am keen to learn.

    [I would list separately some concrete examples of successfully completed projects, rather than just to make a general claim to complete them.]

  8. I excel at learning, creating, and communicating until the project is complete.

  9. I’m a lifelong learner who thrives on creative development and communication.

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