Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 60 [writing/editing game]

Tighten This! farewell

Our 60th and final Challenge Sentence comes to us from Larry Kunz via Josh Bernoff via a Johnson & Johnson job description.

The successful candidate will be the key leader and customer advocate working closely with the Strategic Account and Sales Leaders across J&J to facilitate execution against strategic account terms, interface with account management executives and sales leaders enterprise-wide to align and deliver high quality service and value, ensure coordinated execution of customer solutions through clinical and economic services and programs, and facilitate the management of and coordinate direct sales personnel and resources.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Aug. 12.]

Tips:

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence:

There remains a lot of confusion about what buyer personas are and aren’t and how to develop them.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

Ah, marketing. So many practice it, yet so few understand it. Even among those who claim to understand it there’s an astonishing lack of consensus about, well, just about everything.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. Imagine how dreary life would be if marketing were formulaic and predictable.

Kind of like writing, no?

Even though writing defies consensus, our crack team of tighteners once again did a fantastic job. For me, Rhonda summed it up best with her revision:

What’s a buyer’s profile and how do I create one? Who knows!

(I think she might’ve meant to write persona rather than profile, but no matter. The sentence is bright and tight.)

tighter writing

How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

Does the author plan to talk about confusion? No. He or she plans to talk about buyer personas.

Let’s fix this in three easy steps:

  1. Get rid of this trashy, confusing opening (There remains a lot of confusion about…).
  2. Put the real subject where it belongs.
  3. Go from there.

Buyer personas: what are they, what are they not, and how do we develop them?

Ari hits closest to the mark. Once again, Ari, nice work!

People want to know: What’s a buyer persona, and how can I develop one?

concise writing

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

Three of you—Jessica E., Avi, and Rhonda—turned last week’s Challenge Sentence into a question, making it not only tighter but also more engaging. Nice. Jessica’s wins the word count with this 11-word question (which logically leaves out the reference to people being confused, since the question’s existence implies the existence of confusion):

What is a buyer persona, and how do I create one?

tight writing

P.S. I’ve always enjoyed it when some of you comment on others’ revisions, as three of you did last week. Way to build a community. Thanks again to all of you who have played Tighten This!—including those of you who have never left a comment. I know that you’re out there, too.

Again, Challenge Sentence 60

The successful candidate will be the key leader and customer advocate working closely with the Strategic Account and Sales Leaders across J&J to facilitate execution against strategic account terms, interface with account management executives and sales leaders enterprise-wide to align and deliver high quality service and value, ensure coordinated execution of customer solutions through clinical and economic services and programs, and facilitate the management of and coordinate direct sales personnel and resources.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Aug. 12.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

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20 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 60 [writing/editing game]

  1. The successful candidate will interface between management and front-line employees.

  2. The successful candidate will be assigned to work with the account and sales team across the company to deliver intended results.

  3. Two tries from me:

    We want to hire a leader and customer advocate to work with J&J account management executives and sales leaders to deliver service and value.

    OR

    We want to hire a leader and customer advocate who will be as successful as Marcia, Larry, and Ray are in improving people’s performance.

    Good luck the rest of the way!

  4. This customer advocate will lead J&J’s Sales staff in managing valuable accounts and coordinating high-quality solutions.

  5. The successful candidate will lead sales executives across the enterprise to deliver high-quality customer solutions and manage sales personnel.

  6. From my wasted years in the corporate world, I remember this as the kind of job given to someone who has been promoted too high in the organization to do real work, but who is incompetent at management. Instead, that person allegedly coordinates, but really just occupies an office and opines in memos. Here are two responses, one nearly real and one facetious. You can figure out which is which:-):

    “We want to hire an internal consultant who will be a pain in the butt to sales, marketing, management, support, and everyone else in the organization.”

    “Job description: internal consultant responsible for helping sales, support, and account management teams coordinate their activities.”

    P.S. It has been a pleasure occasionally participating in these challenges. Other than being stiffed on the millions I’ve saved in word count:-), it has been great fun, and I will miss them. I look forward to your next adventure.

  7. First timer here! Glad I found it before the game was over. I still remember when they taught us how to write Newspaper personals ads in middle school so that helped!

    Seeking customer advocate to coordinate with other J&J leaders and ensure high quality management of strategic accounts, direct sales and customer solutions.

    • Hi, Tana. Welcome. Happy that you got to play at least once. Sounds like you had some good middle-school teachers. (To all you English teachers out there, thank you for all that you’re doing to pass along these skills.)

  8. The customer advocate works closely with account managers and sales leaders to deliver the best services and products to J&J’s customers.

  9. I’m sorry that I only discovered this game and your interesting web site as the game is ending. I could have learned a lot.

    • Glad that you found us anyhow, Elizabeth. Welcome. You might get some value from the game, yet, if you pick a few of the 60 Challenge Sentences and then review our posts about them. You’ll find the list of all the sentences (with links to the analysis posts) on the index page.

  10. Wow – what a doozy!

    Here’s my submission:

    “The successful candidate will be the key advocate working closely with key J&J Account and Sales Leaders.(17)

    They will facilitate strategic account terms to deliver high quality service and value and coordinate: (15)
    • Execution of customer solutions (clinical and economic services and programs). (10)
    • Management of direct sales personnel and resources. (7).”

    Total 47 words (ouch!)

    (I did have trouble determining what “facilitate strategic account terms” means !)

    Good luck to the judges – this has been a fun exercise each week. I’m now in the habit of “Tightening This” as I write and can see the difference in my emails and documents.

    The book (“Word Up!..”) is also very useful!

  11. The successful candidate, using clinical and economic services and programs, aligns the J&J Strategic Account and Sales Leaders, delivers valuable, high-quality customer service, and facilitates strategic account terms execution and solutions.

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