Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 25 [writing/editing game]

this-weeks-challenge-question-marcia-riefer-johnstonWelcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 25, submitted by Ali Turnbull:

The line manager or a mentor should be allocated to each new employee to act as a guide and counsellor during the induction process so that new members of staff learn about the company and are given the necessary support and opportunity to put their learning into practice in the workplace.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Nov. 27.]

Tips:

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read last week’s Challenge Sentence, here it is again:
concise writing example

Effective January 1, 2015, SuperCompany has ceased operations at this location. For further information, correspondence should be addressed to our headquarters.

Source: Seth Godin’s blog post “The Simple Way to Get Better at Business Writing

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick

(Larry Kunz speaking) SuperCompany’s store has closed. Against insuperable odds, the Tighten This! contestants deployed their supernatural skills to turn the announcement into something clear and helpful.

Let’s see how they did it.

First off, shame on SuperCompany for telling people to contact headquarters and not providing a phone number, a URL, or even a superannuated snail-mail address.

Next, the date is superfluous. If the store is still open, no notification is needed. If it’s closed, nobody cares when the evil deed was done.

What’s left is to find a balance between too verbose (the original sentence) and too terse (“Closed”), without striking a supercilious tone.

Daniel Lemke’s entry is probably closest to the original in both content and tone: This location is closed; good luck finding us.

But my favorite entry—the one I’d want to see if I were a shopper facing a locked door—is Karen Mulholland’s:

This SuperCompany store has closed. Find us at http://www.supercompany.com.

concise writing 11-20-2015

Superb job, Karen.

(How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”)

Ray’s Pick

(Ray Johnston speaking) Want further information? If we wanted to hear your questions, we’d have provided a phone number or a web address! Here’s the real message: Don’t call us; we’ll call you.

Let’s see what this week’s contestants make of it … Ha! Daniel nails it, and Lauren gets a hat tip. 🙂

Daniel Lemke! Come on down! Here’s Daniel’s revision:

This location is closed; good luck finding us.

Marcia’s Pick

(Marcia Johnston speaking) I can’t help giving in to the spirit in which this game was invented: the spirit of fun. A number of participants made it easy to do so.

  • Closed. (Becky Moore)
  • Bye! Ask HQ where we’ve gone. (Mark McArthur-Christie)
  • All good things must end … even super things. Want to know more? Drop us a line. (Marc Evans)
  • Closed. Call headquarters. (J. Zimmermann)
  • SuperCompany is no longer at this location. For more information, write: SuperCompany, YoMama’s House, City, State ZIP. (Lauren)

Thanks to all who played. You made my world a better place.

Sign Up!

Want to play Tighten This! every week? Want a shot of fun while building your concise-writing skills with word-loving friends? Want to edify your inner editor? Subscribe to my blog under the heading “Sign Up!” (above right or, on a mobile device, all the way at the bottom). Then, each time I publish a post, you’ll receive an email.

Again, Challenge Sentence 25

The line manager or a mentor should be allocated to each new employee to act as a guide and counsellor during the induction process so that new members of staff learn about the company and are given the necessary support and opportunity to put their learning into practice in the workplace.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Nov. 27.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

34 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 25 [writing/editing game]

  1. All new employees should be assigned a mentor to guide them through the onboarding process and to provide ongoing support.

  2. During induction, new employees should receive line manager or mentor guidance, to learn about the company and integrate into the workplace.

  3. For each new employee, assign a line manger or mentor to introduce them to the company. Mentors offer guidance and support, and give new employees an opportunity to practice what they’ve learned.

  4. Bluegrass Farm Operations Manual, SECTION 1: SAFETY
    • To avoid horse bites and kicks, stable masters will counsel hired hands on equine habits.
    —or—
    At SuperCompany we always say, “Mentor your charges, O wise ones, and tomorrow we’ll reap our reward.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *