Welcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 29, courtesy of Rhonda Bracey, who writes, “Came across this in the newspaper—it’s ripe for attacking by the crew!”
The core of our program is to empower young women (Aboriginal and nonAboriginals) in Australia with the skills and knowledge to make life-changing choices; we strongly believe that education is the key to improve one’s social economics and livelihood.
Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, January 8. We’re taking a few weeks off. Have a good scooch (Guten Rutsch) into the new year!]
Tips:
- How and Why to Play—even though it’s impossible
- Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions
Last Week’s Challenge Sentence
In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read last week’s Challenge Sentence, here it is again:
Due to the high demand and limited supply of our interval ownership single bedroom and two bedroom vacation club units and luxury RV spaces, will we be forced to offer our GREATEST “Exchange in Abundance” offers as we move forward toward completion of the Front Sight Resort, to our higher level members first, with the rest of our members only getting the opportunity to purchase AFTER the higher level members have had their first shot, and only if anything is left to purchase, which is unlikely.
Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.
Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)
Interval ownership. No garden-variety timeshare here. No siree. The marketers are running the asylum this week, and that’s your cue to be creative in your tightening.
Several of you got into the spirit, capturing the essence of the original sales pitch—which is “Attention, premium members: act now!”—while stripping away its bloat and pomposity.
Two entries stood out for me. Marc Evans captured the spirit of a sizzling sales spiel with his “plum deals” on “red hot … properties.” But I would’ve liked to know exactly what those properties are.
Enter Rose Craig, with this less-spiely but dead-on-point appeal:
We are now selling one- and two-bedroom vacation club units and luxury RV spaces at Front Sight Resort. Premium Members have the first chance at interval ownership before we release these properties to all members.
I’m sold, Rose. Sign me up. I can’t wait to be the proud owner of an interval or two.
How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”
Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)
Elites eat first. They’ll devour everything, so the rest of you … well … bummer.
Ali gets the final trophy of 2015.
Marc gets a ho, ho, ho.
Everyone gets thanks for playing and best wishes for 2016.
Merry What Have You!
Here’s Ali’s two-part comment:
And here’s Marc’s comment:
Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)
What a stinker of a Challenge Sentence. Whose idea was this game anyhow?
The crown could have gone to a number of heads; it finally landed on new player HJV, who whittled the word count down by 70% (leaving out some details that I would normally deem unleaveoutable, but seriously, did you see that original?):
Higher-level members will get first pick of our “Exchange in Abundance” offers for vacation club units and luxury RV spaces in the new Front Sight Resort.
Sign Up!
Want to play Tighten This! every week? Want a shot of fun while building your concise-writing skills with word-loving friends? Want to edify your inner editor? Subscribe to my blog under the heading “Sign Up!” (above right or, on a mobile device, all the way at the bottom). Then, each time I publish a post, you’ll receive an email.
Again, Challenge Sentence 29
The core of our program is to empower young women (Aboriginal and nonAboriginals) in Australia with the skills and knowledge to make life-changing choices; we strongly believe that education is the key to improve one’s social economics and livelihood.
Your revision:Â _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by January 8. We’re taking a few weeks off. See you in 2016.]
Go!
Young Australians suck at rational decisions. Thankfully, the governments paternalistic policies will ensure its sheep need never think again.
We teach young Australian women life-enhancing skills.
Leigh is a hard act to follow. Sounds like a winner to me.
But anyway, this is what I came up with:
We teach young Australian women skills to give them more opportunities in life and improve their job prospects.
We believe that education is the key to a better life. Our program aims to give Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal Australian women the skills and knowledge they need to make life-changing choices.
Our program empowers young women in Australia to make life-changing choices through education.
Our education program helps young Australian women make life-changing choices.