Welcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 33, courtesy of a user manual for a bidet.
As the warm-water tank of the hot-water system is used, the temperature of the warm water may become lower if it is continuously used.
Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Feb. 5.]
Tips:
- How and Why to Play—even though it’s impossible
- Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions
Last Week’s Challenge Sentence
In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again:
To promote the successful completion of our customary mid-diurnal paradigm regarding the procurement of necessary nutritional supplementation and the advancement of the contemporaneous, spontaneous, and coterminous interdialoguing of affiliated human-services assets, the present contingent should initiate both direct and lateral movements as appropriate to minimize and at the end of the day eliminate the physical separation between the target population and the aliment-preparation and -dispensation facilities.
Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.
Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)
Lord. Have. Mercy.
For me the existence of that sentence proves that Douglas Adams was right: We are indeed descended from Golgafrinchans. How else to explain it?
All who played are winners this week. If you’re ever in the neighborhood, let me know and I’ll take you out for that customary mid-diurnal paradigm thingy.
Let's do 'that customary mid-diurnal paradigm thingy.' @Larry_Kunz strikes again. Click To TweetRay’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)
If you Googled a snippet of last week’s Challenge Sentence, you discovered—surprise!—that four of the top five hits take you straight to Marcia Riefer Johnston (a couple of links to this weekly contest, a link to her post on Goodreads, and a post to the Word Up! page at Amazon). We love that, of course. But it’s the third one down that counts: Garner’s Modern American Usage (Third Edition)—page 587, to be exact—whence first sprang this sentence.
Don’t you wish you had been tasked with turning Let’s do lunch into scrambled eggs?
Nice work, everyone.
Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)
Last week’s Challenge Sentence is Bryan A. Garner’s superbly absurd parody of officialese.
Have you seen @BryanAGarner's superbly absurd parody of officialese? Click To TweetWhile we’re on a superbly absurd wavelength, check out the pile o’ cash we save this week.
How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”
Sign Up!
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Again, Challenge Sentence 33
As the warm-water tank of the hot-water system is used, the temperature of the warm water may become lower if it is continuously used.
Your revision:Â _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Feb. 5.]
Go!
Did you already share this? Share it now:
Water temperature may lower in a continuously used hot-water system.
Thanks for playing, Joan.
If you use hot water continuously, the water temperature will fall.
Thanks, Rhonda.
Warm water will be cooler if used continuously.
(I know it’s a dreaded “be” word, but just saying “will cool” would imply it happening afterwards instead of before/during.)
Thanks, Nick. There you go thinking again.
If warm water is used continuously, its temperature will drop.
Thank you, Laura.
Continuous use will lead to cooler water.
Thanks, Brian.
I removed ‘might’ because it sounded like ‘legalese’.
With constant use, the hot-water system lowers the water temperature.
The temperature of the water from the warm-water tank will reduce if used continuously.
Thanks for playing, Vijji. Welcome back to the game.
Thank you, Jane.
Hot water: The more you use, the lower the temperature.
Hot water: Continuous use lowers the temperature.
The warm water temperature might drop if it is continuously used.
Thanks for the double answer, Steve.
Thanks, Julian.
Hot water runs cold with overuse!
Continuous hot water use may lower the temperature in the warm-water tank.
Thanks, Steven.
Thank you, Heather.
When warm water is used continuously, the temperature may become lower.
The warm-water tank will become less efficient when used continuously.
Thanks for playing, Guy.
Thanks, Shannon.
On a cold winter morning, Pop steps into the shower intent on basking under the steamy spray but instead receives a frigid dousing. Throughout the house rings his answer to this week’s challenge: “Who the h*ll used all the hot water?”
Marc, If only more user manuals read like that.