Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 35 [writing/editing game]

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Last modified: April 19, 2020

this-weeks-challenge-question-marcia-riefer-johnstonWelcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 35, courtesy of Rhonda Bracey.

Comparison of results for parameters determined from in situ monitoring in accordance with Sections 4.2.1 and 4.2.2 of the approved Monitoring Plan show comparable results.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Feb. 19.]

Tips:

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again, courtesy of Elizabeth Poulsen:

The kind of sociodemographic information to be included in the survey is ultimately determined by how the information has been planned to be used.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

Though it’s not the wordiest sentence we’ve seen in Tighten This!, or the hardest to understand, last week’s Challenge Sentence might be the most convoluted. It’s time for Extreme Makeover, Editing Edition.

Let’s untangle this sentence and find its main parts. What’s the subject? Is it the information? The survey? The people using the information? The way the information is used? Well, yes. I mean, maybe. It could be any of those. Or none.

What’s the main verb? Include? Plan? Use? Something else? Gosh, I sure ask a lot of questions for someone from New Jersey.

For the deep-down makeover we need, there’s only one question worth asking: What’s the sentence about? It’s about people putting together a survey.

With that pearl of insight, we can reveal a winner. (Move that bus!) It’s Ali Turnbull with this revision:

The information you collect should answer your research questions.

What was once an eyesore is now refreshingly direct. Nice going!

Concise writing

How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

The kind of sociodemographic information to be included in the survey is ultimately determined by how the information has been planned to be used.

Before we untangle this lulu, let’s examine a coupla two or three things. First: sociodemographic? I looked it up. The difference—assuming, charitably, that one exists—between demographic and sociodemographic is a wee one—too small to warrant ever using the longer. Second: information included in the survey? Don’t we survey to get information? Third: how the information has been planned to be used? Aw, c’mon, man! The author of this sentence, in 23 words, inflicts a lot of pain.

Determine what demographic info you want, and then write the survey accordingly.

Joan—six words!

The survey’s purpose determines the wording.

concise writing

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

It took me several readthroughs to decipher (I think) the meaning of last week’s Challenge Sentence. Julian Cable comes closest to my interpretation with this revision:  

The planned use of the sociodemographic information determines what goes in the survey.

Concise writing2

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Again, Challenge Sentence 34

Comparison of results for parameters determined from in situ monitoring in accordance with Sections 4.2.1 and 4.2.2 of the approved Monitoring Plan show comparable results.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Feb. 19.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

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15 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 35 [writing/editing game]”

  1. Parameter results from in situ monitoring are comparable with Sections 4.2.1 and 4.2.2 of the approved Monitoring Plan.

    (I struggled with this sentence, because it wasn’t clear to me whether the comparison is between the results from in situ monitoring and the specified sections from the plan – which is the scenario I addressed with my suggestion – or between these results and something else that isn’t stated.)

  5. Approved Monitoring Plan results are comparable.

    I didn’t understand what situ was so I guessed it was ok to leave it out…

  7. It doesn’t tell us anything!
    What are the ‘parameters’? Where is ‘in situ’? Let’s go for

    ‘We monitored [X] and [Y] in the [workplace] and the results were similar.’

  8. A lot of ambiguity here:-). I translated the Latin and assumed that comparable results implied consistency:

    On-site monitoring results are consistent with sections 4.2.1 and 4.2.2 of the monitoring plan.

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