Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 42 [writing/editing game]

Act now! Today only—April 1—while supplies last. (HT to Larry Kunz for this special offer.)

Okay, back to our game.

Welcome to Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 42 (from a slide in a webinar encouraging people to write shorter sentences):

As part of OurCo’s ongoing support for our distributor partners in remaining compliant with company policies, and those of your respective governments, respecting the laws and trade association requirements that must be followed, OurCo has focused on providing both face-to-face training and e-learning modules to increase compliance knowledge.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, April 8.]

Tips:

• How and Why to Play—even though it’s impossible
• Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again, courtesy of Penny J. Beebe:

It is recommended that the Committee review and comment on the components of the recommended policy for going forward with the management and operation of animal care and control operations in Yourtown.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

Wait—let me guess. There was a BOGO sale this week at Useless-Words-R-Us. How else to explain not one but two occurrences of recommended in the same sentence?

Full marks to those of you who excised both occurrences from your entries. Even a single occurrence of recommended usually signals that we want either an imperative sentence or one containing should.

Extra credit to those who recognized that “the management and operation of thing” is indistinguishable from “thing.”

The best sentence was Ali’s. She retained care and control from the original. (Care and control are not indistinguishable, so simply writing care, as some did, is cheating.) She also turned an invitation—to review and comment—into something truly inviting.

Please read our policy for animal care and control in Yourtown, and tell us what you think.

How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

This week each entry improves on the original, but nobody went after it with a cleaver. Here it is, chopped to the bone.

Review the critter policy.

Did I cut away anything of value?

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

Julian Cable’s suggested revision cinches last week’s Challenge Sentence down to a minimum without losing any key bits of information. Like Joan Somerville and Ali Turnbull, he directly addresses the committee, converting third person to second person (implied you). Second person strikes me as appropriate since the sentence amounts to a call to action.

Here’s what Julian suggested:

Committee: Please review and comment on the proposed policy for animal care and control in Yourtown.

Honorable mentions: Deborah Bosley alone converted third person to first person, making the sentence friendlier: “We recommend that the Committee…” Others (Jim Durning, Rhonda, Jayendra, Vijji, and Jennifer Dawson) stuck with the original’s third person, giving the author the benefit of the doubt. In this game, you never know which way to go.

At least today—April 1—there’s no penalty, whatever you do. In fact, we’re having a special on useless words. Buy one, get one free!

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Again, Challenge Sentence 42

As part of OurCo’s ongoing support for our distributor partners in remaining compliant with company policies, and those of your respective governments, respecting the laws and trade association requirements that must be followed, OurCo has focused on providing both face-to-face training and e-learning modules to increase compliance knowledge.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, April 8.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

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