Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 53 [writing/editing game]

this-weeks-challenge-question-marcia-riefer-johnstonWelcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 53, taken from a college paper written by an engineering student.

Engineers have given the world many products of great accomplishment.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, June 24.]


Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence:

The important thing to remember is that the analytics can be pointers to potential issues.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

The important thing to remember is that the analytics can be pointers to potential issues.

Yogi_Berra_1956Or, in the timeless words of Yogi Berra, you can observe a lot by watching.

It looks like several of our players rivalled Yogi this week. What an erudite group!

The big question for me in judging the entries is whether the didactic tone of the original—The important thing to remember—is worth preserving. Several entries began with remember, and we have a don’t forget and a be mindful thrown in.

Because I think the tone is important, I especially like the entries from Richard, Nora, Mike, and Amruta.

The best of the bunch is Nora’s:

Remember, analytics can reveal latent issues.

Six words. One fewer than Yogi used.

another example of concise writing

How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

Depending on audience, purpose, and timing, we can reduce this to any of the following:

  • Analytics reveal issues.
  • Analytics can highlight issues.
  • Analytics can show potential problems.
  • Takeaway: Analytics can expose traps.
  • Remember: Analytics reduce headaches!

Another batch of excellent entries; thanks to all. Would have been difficult to pick a winner, but the best turned out to be among the last to appear.

Stephanie digs deep, perforce, to unearth this solution.

Issues? Analytics!


Stephanie tight writing

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

Most of this sentence is hot air. Here’s my take:

The important thing to remember is that the Analytics can be pointers to indicate potential issues.

Marguerite and Stephanie nail it with this phrase:

Analytics reveal issues.

Marguerite tight writing example

(Richard, your check for the previous week’s win is in the mail.)

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Again, Challenge Sentence 53

Engineers have given the world many products of great accomplishment.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, June 24.]


Index of Challenge Sentences

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