Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 20 [writing/editing game]

this-weeks-challenge-question-marcia-riefer-johnstonWelcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 20, inspired by an example submitted by Jeff Greer, a member of the board of directors of the Center for Plain Language.

The GoldenSneakers fitness program is designed exclusively for older adults and offers them an innovative blend of physical activity, healthy lifestyle direction, and plentiful social opportunities.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Oct. 23.]

Tips:

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read last week’s Challenge Sentence, here it is again:

What would be the faculty reception accorded the introduction of such a proposal by the Council?

Thanks again to George D. Gopen, Professor Emeritus of the Practice of Rhetoric at Duke University, whose Information Development World talk inspired this example. For insight into the source sentence, see George’s comment from last week.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Marcia’s Pick

(Marcia Johnston speaking) Where’s the verb? Who’s doing what? Sometimes asking those questions is all it takes to tighten—and liven up—a noun-heavy sentence. In last week’s Challenge Sentence, I would coax the verb receive from its hiding place in the noun reception. You might extract introduce from introduction instead, but lacking any context, I would guess that the questioner wants to know how the faculty would receive such a proposal by the Council.

Speaking of seeking verbs, I can’t help sharing my favorite Doonesbury strip (from Jan. 23, 1980):

Doonesbury a verb senator

Last week, a number of you unburied a verb. Here are the verbs you came up with:

  • How would the faculty react to the Council’s proposal? (Rhonda, Steve Seager)
  • What might faculty think of this Council’s proposal? (Jim Durning)
  • How will the faculty receive the Council’s proposal? (Daniel Lemke, Kimberly Hume, Laurel Beason, Juan L.)
  • How would the faculty view this Council proposal? (Julian Cable)

All these revisions strike me as equally clear and tight, cutting word count in half. I’ve mashed all these revisions together to get How would the faculty receive the Council’s proposal? Here’s the math:

tight-writing-verb-from-nouns

(How did I arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”)

Ray’s Pick

(Ray Johnston speaking) What would be the faculty reception accorded the introduction of such a proposal by the Council? Pat, I’d like to buy a verb?

We submit this proposal for one reason: we want the faculty to accept it.

Would the faculty accept the council’s proposal?

tight-writing-example-math

Group photo: Rhonda, Daniel, Julian, and Kimberly.

To all who threw hats in the ring, thank you!

Larry’s Pick

(Larry Kunz speaking) In response to one of the entries, Marcia said, “This game can be crazy-making.” She’s right—and it can make the judges as crazy as the players.

My take on the original sentence was that “such a proposal” is crucial: we’re not talking about just any proposal but about a proposal with special significance. When judging, therefore, I gravitated toward the entries that retained that shade of meaning.

Except that Dr. Gopen, who knew what the original sentence was supposed to say, turned my notion to dust. His entry refers merely to “the proposal” and doesn’t imply that the proposal itself is special at all. Apparently the timing of the proposal makes it special.

Who could’ve guessed that from the original sentence? Nobody did, actually. So I’m back to judging the entries based on clarity and originality.

Honorable mention goes to Daniel Lemke for his handsomely brief How will the faculty receive the Council’s proposal?

The best entry came from Laurel Beason:

If the Council submitted such a proposal, how would the faculty receive it?

I like this because Laurel retains the sense that the Council is doing something—introducing in the original, submitting in Laurel’s version. In fact, Laurel turns the sentence around, making the Council the subject to further emphasize its action.

Crazy good.

tight sentence math

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Again, Challenge Sentence 20

The GoldenSneakers fitness program is designed exclusively for older adults and offers them an innovative blend of physical activity, healthy lifestyle direction, and plentiful social opportunities.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Oct. 23.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

32 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 20 [writing/editing game]

  1. GoldenSneakers, an innovative fitness program for older adults, offers healthy lifestyle direction, physical activity, and plentiful social opportunities.

  2. The GoldenSneakers fitness program for older adults blends physical activity, healthy lifestyle, and social interaction.

  3. The Golden Sneakers fitness program offers an innovative blend of physical activity, healthy lifestyle, and plentiful social opportunities exclusively for older adults.

  4. Exclusively for older adults, GoldenSneakers blends physical fitness, health education, and social activities.

    Hi Marcia: It’s election season here in my hometown. I got a broadsheet from one of the candidates that I read last night. Plenty of tortured sentences in there that I will gather and send to you for consideration for the exercise, so that our community can put them out of their misery.

  5. The innovative GoldenSneakers fitness program offers older adults physical activity, healthy lifestyle direction, and social opportunities.

  6. The GoldenSneakers fitness program offers seniors a mix of physical, lifestyle, and social activities.

  7. The GoldenSneakers fitness program for elders innovatively blends physical activity, healthy lifestyle direction, and social opportunities.

  8. GoldenSneakers innovatively blends physical activities, health tips, and socializing for older adults.

  9. [From the “sometimes tighter doesn’t mean less words” category]:
    The GoldSneakers fitness program for older adults provides not only physical activity, but also tips for a healthy lifestyle and plenty of social interaction.

  10. Senior who want to get fitter and socialize may be interested in GoldenSneakers, a fun and challenging program that blends exercise with tips on healthy lifestyles.

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