Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 33 [writing/editing game]

this-weeks-challenge-question-marcia-riefer-johnstonWelcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 33, courtesy of a user manual for a bidet.

As the warm-water tank of the hot-water system is used, the temperature of the warm water may become lower if it is continuously used.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Feb. 5.]


Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again:

To promote the successful completion of our customary mid-diurnal paradigm regarding the procurement of necessary nutritional supplementation and the advancement of the contemporaneous, spontaneous, and coterminous interdialoguing of affiliated human-services assets, the present contingent should initiate both direct and lateral movements as appropriate to minimize and at the end of the day eliminate the physical separation between the target population and the aliment-preparation and -dispensation facilities.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

Lord. Have. Mercy.

For me the existence of that sentence proves that Douglas Adams was right: We are indeed descended from Golgafrinchans. How else to explain it?

All who played are winners this week. If you’re ever in the neighborhood, let me know and I’ll take you out for that customary mid-diurnal paradigm thingy.

Let's do 'that customary mid-diurnal paradigm thingy.' @Larry_Kunz strikes again. Click To Tweet

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

If you Googled a snippet of last week’s Challenge Sentence, you discovered—surprise!—that four of the top five hits take you straight to Marcia Riefer Johnston (a couple of links to this weekly contest, a link to her post on Goodreads, and a post to the Word Up! page at Amazon). We love that, of course. But it’s the third one down that counts: Garner’s Modern American Usage (Third Edition)—page 587, to be exact—whence first sprang this sentence.

Don’t you wish you had been tasked with turning Let’s do lunch into scrambled eggs?

Nice work, everyone.

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

Last week’s Challenge Sentence is Bryan A. Garner’s superbly absurd parody of officialese.

Have you seen @BryanAGarner's superbly absurd parody of officialese? Click To Tweet

While we’re on a superbly absurd wavelength, check out the pile o’ cash we save this week.

Bryan Garner parody officialese

How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Sign Up!

Want to play Tighten This! every week? Want a shot of fun while building your concise-writing skills with word-loving friends? Want to edify your inner editor? Subscribe to my blog under the heading “Sign Up!” (above right or, on a mobile device, all the way at the bottom). Then, each time I publish a post, you’ll receive an email.

Again, Challenge Sentence 33

As the warm-water tank of the hot-water system is used, the temperature of the warm water may become lower if it is continuously used.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, Feb. 5.]


Index of Challenge Sentences

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29 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 33 [writing/editing game]

  1. Warm water will be cooler if used continuously.

    (I know it’s a dreaded “be” word, but just saying “will cool” would imply it happening afterwards instead of before/during.)

  2. I removed ‘might’ because it sounded like ‘legalese’.

    With constant use, the hot-water system lowers the water temperature.

  3. On a cold winter morning, Pop steps into the shower intent on basking under the steamy spray but instead receives a frigid dousing. Throughout the house rings his answer to this week’s challenge: “Who the h*ll used all the hot water?”

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