Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 38 [writing/editing game]

this-weeks-challenge-question-marcia-riefer-johnstonWelcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 38, courtesy of Julian Cable.

The main benefit of the application portfolio program is transparency and to deliver all relevant information to enable the right decision making based on real facts to achieve the xyz IT targets.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, March 11.]

Tips:

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again, courtesy of Cheryl Landes:

You know there must be a kind of reservation on my fund relocation plans to you on an open medium of this nature to avoid unscrupulous persons camouflaging in names to take advantages on innocent fellows willing to help out.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

Shhh. I want you to read this. But be careful, innocent fellow, because unscrupulous persons might be watching.

This week’s challenge sentence boils down to Delete this email now. But a fairer rendering of the writer’s intent would be something like I need your help, but please keep it secret lest the wrong people find out.

Two of this week’s entries—Annb’s Reply privately and Ali’s Please reply privately—catch the urgency but not the whole gist of the sentence. When we tighten it’s essential that we retain all of the import of the original content. The trick, of course, is deciding what’s important. In this case I think the appeal for help is every bit as important as the appeal for secrecy.

I was all set to pick no winner this week, and to say that this one was unwinnable. But then one entry started to grow on me. It was Jim’s:

You can trust me, so send your money and don’t tell anyone.

I like how Jim took what the writer said—you can’t trust those other people—and spun it into you can trust me. He also added something that’s not explicitly in the original but certainly is implied: send your money.

So, Jim, I congratulate you for winning a game that was almost unwinnable. You hit the Elbonian lottery.

[For the math on Jim’s answer, keep reading. And no, this game’s judges do not see each other’s answers until they’ve written their own.]

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

Decoded, last week’s Challenge Sentence is boilerplate for every international funds-transfer scam: Thank you, kind and generous [sir or madam], for helping out. If you’ll just send me your account number and password, I’ll transfer the money electronically—but very carefully, to avoid ID theft by the bad guys. 

Jim, you get the prize money. Just send my your account particulars, and I’ll see that you get what you deserve. (And let’s keep this on the QT.)

[For the math on Jim’s answer, keep reading. And no, this game’s judges do not see each other’s answers until they’ve written their own.]

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

Writing challenges become especially challenging when the text and subtext are at odds. With last week’s Challenge Sentence, you can go one of two ways: tighten what it says on the surface (the text), or tighten what it really says (the subtext).  

Some who played the game addressed the text. Others addressed the subtext. Still others commented on the tension between text and subtext. Thanks to all. Each response has merit. I’ll use Jim Durning’s for the word-count example since he concisely captured the contradiction between the text (“you can trust me”) and the subtext (“I’m out to swindle you”—as evident in his closing phrase “don’t tell anyone,” a phrase that sets off trust alarms).

You can trust me, so send your money and don’t tell anyone.

concise writing

How did I arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

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Again, Challenge Sentence 38

The main benefit of the application portfolio program is transparency and to deliver all relevant information to enable the right decision making based on real facts to achieve the xyz IT targets.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, March 11.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

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10 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 38 [writing/editing game]

  1. Information from the application portfolio program is used to make decisions about IT goals.

  2. The application portfolio program delivers factual information to decide and achieve IT targets

  3. The portfolio program is transparent, which enables the right decision for the xyz IT targets by delivering real relevant information.

  4. The application portfolio program delivers data to help you achieve xyz IT targets.

  5. The application portfolio program provides information that supports decision making and achieving IT targets.

  6. We use the application portfolio to make the right decisions in achieving xyz IT targets.

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