Welcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 40, courtesy of Larry Kunz again (from the same letter as last week’s Challenge Sentence).
Our mission, which is to provide the highest level of educational experience for all of our children, is of paramount importance and is reflected in the dedicated and talented professionals who work each day on behalf of our students and communities.
Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, March 25.]
Tips:
- How and Why to Play—even though it’s impossible
- Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions
Last Week’s Challenge Sentence
In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence:
We work collaboratively with our Towns to ensure that all budget requests address the needs of our students and align with our communities’ fiscal environments.
Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.
Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)
I have to confess something. Often, as I start to write my weekly recap for Tighten This!, I have one or two favorite entries. Then I discover, based on the factors I’m considering as I write, that another entry—one I might’ve glossed over at first—comes to the fore and emerges as the very best.
Such was the case this week—a week in which everyone submitted a good sentence. All of them could’ve been winners. The best ones retained the idea of the school board (“we”) working with the towns. And everyone avoided the dreadful, empty word collaboratively—way to go!
We also wanted our sentences to say that the budgets are fiscally appropriate and that the money is spent in ways that help the students.
Which entry came to the fore? For me it was Richard’s:
We help communities create realistic school budgets that meet student’s needs.
But as I said, anyone could’ve been the winner. That’s how good these entries were.
How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”
Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)
Collaboratively can go away.
Ensure that can go away.
We can simplify Communities’ fiscal environments.
I like each of this week’s entries. Only Rhonda (first runner-up) and Kim retain request, an essential element of the original.
Kim takes home the prix d’elegance with this gem:
We help each town create a funding request aligned with student needs and community budgets.
Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)
The more I look at last week’s Challenge Sentence, the less I understand it. At first, I equated towns and communities—but are they the same? At first I thought that people were collaborating on budgets—but are they collaborating on budget requests? Taking the sentence at face value, I might revise it this way:
We help our towns develop budget requests that balance student needs against community support.
If you’ve ever served on a school board or attended a school-board meeting (or even attended a school), you understand how impossible it is to achieve this balance.
Picking a winner this week feels impossible, too. I’m going with Rhonda’s revision because it comes close to mirroring my own.
We make sure each town’s budget requests match student needs and are affordable.
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Again, Challenge Sentence 40
Our mission, which is to provide the highest level of educational experience for all of our children, is of paramount importance and is reflected in the dedicated and talented professionals who work each day on behalf of our students and communities.
Your revision:Â _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, March 25.]
Go!
Did you already share this? Share it now:
Our mission is to provide best educational experience to our children through talented (qualified) professionals
Our dedicated, professional, and talented staff provide the best educational experiences for your children.
Alternative:
Our dedicated, professional, and talented staff give your children exceptional educational experiences.
Our dedicated staff support our mission to provide the best education for all our children.
Our dedicated professionals daily demonstrate our mission of providing excellent education.
The XYZ District teachers provide our students with a great education.
Our mission is to provide the highest level educational experience for all of our children.
Based on my expectation reading an organization’s mission statement that everything else (the mission is of paramount importance and it is carried out by dedicated professionals who work each day) is assumed.
Our dedicated professionals exemplify our mission by providing the highest-quality educational experience to our students.
We believe all children have the right to quality education.
Your child deserves the best education. We can provide that.