Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 9 [game]

Welcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 9, courtesy of Neal Kaplan, who found it in some of his company’s training documentation:

The main objective is invariably to focus on the management of change within the organisation which is by definition a key consideration when introducing a new working practice or changing a software application.

Your revision: _______________________ [Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment. To be considered for galaxy-wide glory, respond by Friday, July 31.]

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Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read last week’s Challenge Sentence, here it is again—with thanks, again, to Shanker for submitting this one, the opening sentence of a journal article coauthored by six professors:

Spurred by evidence that students’ future studies are highly influenced during middle school, recent efforts have seen a growing emphasis on introducing computer science to middle school learners.

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Marcia’s Pick

(Marcia speaking) Hats off to all of you who wrangled with this one. Picking a winner felt impossible because of this sentence’s inherent problems. I finally picked Julie’s revision, which brings the word count down by 32% while honoring the original sense (to the extent that I can glean it).

Like the rest of you who played, Julie did the best she could in the absence of key information. The original sentence fails to tell us who or what is influencing students’ future studies. It also fails to tell us who or what is introducing computer science to them. Without that information, you can’t get far tightening this sentence.

Julie’s version:

Middle schools are increasing computer science offerings based on evidence that students’ future studies are influenced during this time.

How did I arrive at this translation formula? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Ray’s Pick

(Ray speaking) I looked for a rewrite that eliminates the noise from this strange sentence and presents the relevant information succinctly.

Sorry. No winner this week.

Strange sentence? Yeah.

First, take a look at that dependent clause. Never mind the mechanics; look at what it says. (Hint: it says nothing.) Students’ future studies are highly influenced during middle school. Influenced by what? By their teachers? By their parents? By 24/7 access to the internet? By incessant texting? I give the authors the benefit of the doubt: they might have meant for us to infer that the students’ studies are highly influenced by what they study in middle school. So, if, for example, my kid starts Japanese in middle school, he’s likely to take Japanese in high school? Really? You think? How many tax dollars went to fund the study that brought that amazing factoid to light? Did anyone on the planet not know, before the study was completed, that the present influences the future? (Okay. That’s an unfair question. See Kansas school board, below.)

For starters, we delete the dependent clause; we’re on our way to saving big translation bucks.

Spurred by evidence that students’ future studies are highly influenced during middle school,

Onward.

I looked for a subject, a doer, an actor–preferably human, but, in a pinch, anything animate would have sufficed. Nope. Okay, how about an inanimate subject? How about recent efforts? Looks like that’s all I’m gonna get. Who puts forth these recent efforts? Middle-school teachers? Principals? The PTA? The Kansas school board? (No. Scratch that. The Kansas school board scrubbed science from their curriculum in the late 60s.) We, much like the Kansas school board, have no clue.

Okay. I don’t need no stinking subject. How about a verb?

Hmmmm. Have seen … After failing to come up with a subject, the authors of this sentence eke out, squeak out, the limpest, palest, most vacuous of verbs. Have seen…

Have seen … I sense an object coming my way … growing emphasis!!! (These recent efforts, if we’re to read anything into this sentence—and we won’t, because this sentence says nothing—but if we were to read anything into this sentence, we would be impressed by these recent efforts. They have been not only spurred by evidence; oh, no! They have also seen a growing emphasis. Not bad for a bunch of efforts, and recent ones at that!)

So, upon what, exactly, did our unknown actors’ recent efforts see emphasis growing? Computer science for middle-school learners? Hell no! The growing emphasis is on introducing computer science to middle-school learners. Has computer science, in fact, been introduced to even one middle-school learner? We, once again, much like the Kansas school board, have no clue.

What, exactly, does this sentence say? Here’s the rewrite I was looking for:

(null set)

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Again, Challenge Sentence 9

Your revision: _______________________ [Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, July 31.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

37 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 9 [game]”

Managing change is a key consideration when introducing new processes or software.

Thanks for playing again, Richard.

An organization’s change management process is the key to new processes or software.

Managing change within the organization is essential when new processes or software are introduced.

Managing change is essential when introducing new procedures or changing software.

Management of change is a key consideration when introducing new work practices or software.

At this point, the organization should focus on management of change, a key consideration for rolling out any new business process or technology update.

Thank you, Vinish.

Thanks, Pat.

Thanks for playing, Jim.

Thank you, Cynthia.

My first inclination is to go with Ray’s pick from last week: (null set)

Not wishing to be thought a copycat, however, I’ll go with this:

When introducing a new work process or software tool, managing organizational change is paramount.

When introducing a working practice or changing a software application, focus on how you can manage the change within the organization.

Thanks, Teresa.

Larry, I wondered if anyone would go there. Leave it to you. 🙂

This training emphasizes the importance of how change is managed to successful adoption of new working practices or software.

The primary objective when introducing enhancements to work practices or software applications is change management.

This page intentionally left blank.

We focus on change management in the organization when it is changing working practices or software.

Focus on change management when introducing a new work style or changing a software application.

I felt the original sentence’s intent was to introduce the document’s objective and justify it through examples. Along the lines of: “Trampolines are important because you can jump and cartwheel and stuff.”

That being the case, the latter half of the sentence is irrelevant. “Introducing a new working practice or changing a software application” are not exclusively what change management encompasses. Instead, they serve as examples to support why the topic is applicable. Presumably, the paragraph or section goes on to explain what change management is and where it is specifically used in the organization. Trying to include that in this particular sentence is a recipe for disaster.

With that in mind, I went with:

“The goal is effective change management across the organization.”

Thanks for the thoughtful reply, Greta.

Thanks for playing, Kevin.

Thank you, Julian.

Thanks, Kamala.

Ha ha. Thanks, Daniel.

Thanks for playing, Nick.

Thanks, Sameera.

When introducing new practices or revising software, our organization focuses on the management of change.

“management of change” is a common “best practice” term, different from “change management”

When organizations change the way people work, they must manage the change effectively.

Thank you, Karen.

Thanks for playing, Mike.

The goal is to focus on organizational change management, a key consideration when new work practices arise and systems change.

One of our key goals in making changes is to promote change itself, and to guide everyone through it.

Thanks for playing, Laurel.

Thanks, Cristian.

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