Welcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 46:
People who are in this role tend to be people who mentor people.
Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, May 6.]
Tips:
- How and Why to Play—even though it’s impossible
- Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions
- “Write Tight(er)” Presentation
Last Week’s Challenge Sentence
In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again, courtesy of Wendy Hood:
The foundation of leadership begins with the individual and to grow as an effective leader you must understand and appreciate yourself as well as the differences of personal characteristics in others.
Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.
Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)
Ooh! Ooh! I know the answer! Call on me! Call on me! C’mon!
Good leaders are self-aware and understand the differences in others.
Now, let’s see who else got it.
We had lots of good entries once again. Some of you saw nuances that I didn’t see and that maybe—just maybe—weren’t in the original sentence. Just sayin’.
Julian gave it a good go, but I wish the subject of his sentence had been leaders or leadership rather than understanding.
Marc Evans takes my laurel wreath this week with this:
Effective leaders are comfortable in their own skin and know what makes others tick.
How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”
Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)
The foundation of leadership begins with the individual and …Â Leader, know thyself and appreciate others.
Isn’t it a treat to see all the new faces? Welcome! And nice tightening by veterans and newcomers alike.
Leigh takes home this week’s prize—two pounds of virtual asparagus!—with this entry:
Effective leaders understand and appreciate unique characteristics in themselves and others.
Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)
This week, Julian Cable, Christina Mayr, Leigh, Tim Slager, Marc Evans, and Thomas came up with similarly tight revisions that conveyed the essence of the original. I especially like the friendliness of Marc’s phrasing: Effective leaders are comfortable in their own skin and know what makes others tick. Writers can’t always get away with casual language, but when we can, it helps bring bland messages to life.
Tim gets my vote for word-count winner. At first, his eight-word revision seemed to leave out critical information, but I think that this revision passes the Hemingway test, conveying “a feeling of those things [omitted] as strongly as though the writer had stated them.” For example, Tim’s revised sentence doesn’t mention self-understanding—and it doesn’t need to; the ability to appreciate differences between oneself and others presupposes self-understanding. Tim’s rendition cuts the word count by 74% without sacrificing meaning.
Effective leaders appreciate differences between themselves and others.
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Again, Challenge Sentence 46
People who are in this role tend to be people who mentor people.
Your revision:Â _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, May 6.]
Go!
Did you already share this? Share it now:
People in this role mentor others.
People in the role tend to be mentors.
or
People. People who mentor people are the luckiest people in this role.
This role attracts mentors.
Many people in this role are also mentors.
This role is for mentors.
This role involves mentorship.
PS: Term taken from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentorship
Hey there, Carmen. Welcome to the game.
We don’t know what group of people the writer means, but the reader knows, so “These people” should be good.
I can’t think of a better word for “mentor” so I’m using it.
My revision is “These people often mentor others.”
Mentors typically play this role.
This is a mentoring role.
Mentors tend to be in this role
People in this role tend to mentor others.