Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 39 [writing/editing game]

Welcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 39, courtesy of Larry Kunz.

We work collaboratively with our Towns to ensure that all budget requests address the needs of our students and align with our communities’ fiscal environments.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, March 18.]

This Challenge Sentence comes from a letter by a public-school superintendent to the people of her district, as quoted by Josh Bernoff in a March 7 blog post entitled “How Extra Words Undermine Trust: A Case Study.” I like the way that post begins: “Fear makes people hide their meaning with extra words. It backfires. We know you’re afraid. Adding words make people less likely to trust you.”

Thanks, Josh, for that insight. And thanks, Larry, for this find.

Tips:

• How and Why to Play—even though it’s impossible
• Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read the previous Challenge Sentence, here it is again, courtesy of Julian Cable:

The main benefit of the application portfolio program is transparency and to deliver all relevant information to enable the right decision making based on real facts to achieve the xyz IT targets.

Read on to hear thoughts from the game’s three judges: Larry Kunz (a seasoned technical writer and blogger who has participated in this game from the beginning), Ray (my husband), and me.

Larry’s Pick (Larry Kunz speaking)

Interesting challenge sentence, that. And when I say interesting, I mean it, well, not in a good way.

Our sentence starts off deadly dull. It tries to distract us with a what-does-that-have-to-do-with-anything word (transparency), it starts sounding better in the middle, and then it ends with something that might truly be interesting: achieving IT targets.

Saving the best for last might be a good strategy at the dessert bar. But in nonfiction, nonrhetorical writing, it’s not usually the best strategy. Let’s bring in our crack team of sentence tighteners.

Let’s move application portfolio to the front. Let’s find a more interesting verb than is. (Any verb turns more heads than is.)

Most of our entrants hit it right down the fairway this week. Jayendra, Richard, and Rose birdied the hole. Jennifer aced it by, uniquely, casting the sentence in the first person:

We use the application portfolio to make the right decisions in achieving xyz IT targets.

Suddenly it’s personal, and there’s action taking place. Now that’s interesting!

How did Marcia arrive at the translation formula in the spreadsheet above? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Ray’s Pick (Ray Johnston speaking)

The main benefit of the application portfolio program is transparency and to deliver all relevant information to enable the right decision making based on real facts to achieve the xyz IT targets.

**yawn**

main benefit
application portfolio program
transparency
deliver all relevant information
enable the right decision making
real facts
achieve targets

Do you doze when bees buzz? This week’s Challenge Sentence challenges us to get through it without (a) falling into a deep sleep or (b) yelling Bingo!

Richard takes the gold this week:

The application portfolio program delivers the information you need to achieve the xyz IT targets.

Marcia’s Pick (Marcia Johnston speaking)

Presuming that it makes sense to switch to second person, I’d send the prize home with Jacqueline Lehr for her ten-word revision:

The application portfolio program helps you meet your IT targets.

Sign Up!

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Again, Challenge Sentence 39

We work collaboratively with our Towns to ensure that all budget requests address the needs of our students and align with our communities’ fiscal environments.

Your revision: _______________________
[Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, March 18.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

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