Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 8 [game]

Welcome to the concise-writing game, Tighten This! Here’s Challenge Sentence 8, courtesy of Shanker. It’s the opening sentence of a journal article coauthored by six professors.

Spurred by evidence that students’ future studies are highly influenced during middle school, recent efforts have seen a growing emphasis on introducing computer science to middle school learners.

Your revision: _______________________ [Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment. To be considered for galaxy-wide glory, respond by Friday, July 24.]

Tips:

Psst: If you’re on Twitter, please click this tweet to share the joy of writing (and the joy of Word Up!) with fellow word lovers:

Writers—yes, you—got your copy of @MarciaRJohnston's 'Word Up!' yet? #writing #editing Click To Tweet

Last Week’s Challenge Sentence

In case you’re playing this game for the first time (welcome!), or in case you’ve had other things on your mind since you read last week’s Challenge Sentence, here it is again—with thanks, again, to Elizabeth Beech for submitting this one:

It is unlawful to ride a bicycle, horse or any other vehicle on State Game Lands before 1 p.m. from Saturday, April 11th 2015 to Saturday, May 16th 2015 and it is closed all day from Monday, May 18th to Saturday, May 30th, except on Sundays due to Spring Gobbler Season.

Ray’s Pick

(Ray speaking) Larry Kunz takes home all the marbles.

Warning: Turkey Hunting Season
Horses, bicycles, and motor vehicles prohibited
Before 1 p.m. April 11 – May 16
All day May 18 – May 30
except Sundays

Larry steps way back from the confused and confusing original and thinks about the context. Then he simplifies (thereby clarifying) the content and, above all else, adds the word warning, which is, stunningly, missing from the original. In his rewrite, Larry also converts the key dates from the hard-to-process mm/dd/yy format to the straightforward and digestible April 11 – May 16 format.

Outstanding!

Marcia’s Pick

(Marcia speaking) I couldn’t agree more. Larry, your marbles are in the mail. Your 51% reduction in word count accounts for part of the clarity. You have also rearranged and regrouped the words to make the whole message glide into the reader’s brain. Writing like this could save lives.

How did I arrive at this translation formula? See “Write Tight(er): Get to the Point and Save Millions.”

Video

Don’t see my video below? See it on YouTube.

Sign Up!

Want to play Tighten This! every week? Want a shot of fun while building your concise-writing skills with word-loving friends? Want to edify your inner editor? Subscribe to my blog under the heading “Sign Up!” (above right or, on a mobile device, all the way at the bottom). Then, each time I publish a post, you’ll receive an email.

Again, Challenge Sentence 8

Spurred by evidence that students’ future studies are highly influenced during middle school, recent efforts have seen a growing emphasis on introducing computer science to middle school learners.

Your revision: _______________________ [Scroll to the bottom and put your revision in a comment by Friday, July 24.]

Go!

Index of Challenge Sentences

23 thoughts on “Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 8 [game]”

More educators are introducing computer science to middle schoolers, citing evidence that middle school greatly influences the students’ academic futures.

Computer science is being taught more widely at middle school, a stage which influences future studies.

That middle school influences students’ future studies has induced increasing emphasis on introducing computer science to them.

There is an incline in teaching computer science to middle schoolers in an effort to mold their future studies.

More middle schools are teaching introductory computer science because evidence suggests that early exposure influences students’ future career interests.

Thanks, Larry.

Thanks for playing, Julian.

Thanks, Shanker.

Thank you, Lara.

Thanks for playing, Cristian.

Emphasis on Computer science programs begins in Middle School to prepare students for future study.

Thanks, Mary Lou.

Many educators are introducing computer science to middle school learners because recent research says your child’s future learning is highly influenced during middle school.

Thanks for playing, Kiprop.

Middle schools are increasing computer science offerings based on evidence that students’ future studies are influenced during this time.

To help influence their future studies, emphasis is being placed on teaching middle school students computer science.

Thanks, Julie.

Thanks for playing, Paula.

Middle schools have begun emphasizing computer science programs, in an attempt to influence students’ future studies.

More middle schoolers are being introduced to computer science because evidence suggests students’ future study interests are influenced by their middle school years.

Thank you, Sara.

Thanks, Paul.

Pingback: Tighten This! Challenge Sentence 9 [game] - Writing.RocksWriting.Rocks

Comments are closed.